“If you’re looking for a link to this GIF, you won’t find it here. That’s because, mid-laugh, I considered this [person] as an actual human being, moving through the world somewhere, possibly embarrassed that documentation of [their] genuine enjoyment had been repurposed into a nutty-looking punch line. I felt clammy.” - When laughing at an epic fail is no laughing matter by Rob Walker
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“If you’re looking for a link to this GIF, you won’t find it here. That’s because, mid-laugh, I considered this [person] as an actual human being, moving through the world somewhere, possibly embarrassed that documentation of [their] genuine enjoyment had been repurposed into a nutty-looking punch line. I felt clammy.”

- When laughing at an epic fail is no laughing matter by Rob Walker

It is with a mixture of regret (the feeling I would like to project) and unrestrained joy (my actual feeling) that I would like to announce that I am now charging a $3.00 processing fee for all new subscription requests sent to me by literary magazines. The proliferation of literary magazines has forced me to implement this fee. How else can I be expected to sift through all of the possible titles?
Chris Haven, “Announcing a New Reader Tax.”

chroniclebooks:

What happens when the great minds of Tumblr and Chronicle Books unite? A unicorn is born! Wait, no. Awesome Tumblrs like F*ck! I’m in My Twenties and Dads Are the Original Hipsters become hilarious books.

And now, it could be your turn.

We’re looking for the next big humor book idea. This is your chance to get your idea in front of our editors.

Here’s how it works. Pitch us your laugh-out-loud funny book idea using Tumblr. You can use text, photos, animated gifs, artwork, videos—just get our attention. Then our editors will judge the entries and choose a grand-prize winner whose idea will be considered for publication. You may use an existing Tumblr or create a new Tumblr to illustrate your book idea. Just remember: we’re looking for humor.

To enter, tag a post “Tumblr Book Search” and include:

1)      The title of your humor book

2)      A written synopsis of  your idea (200 words or less)

3)      Examples of the book’s concept (can be photos, animated gifs, artwork, video, text, or any media supported by Tumblr)

Then, hop over here to give us your basic contact information and the link to your post.

Hurry, the contest ends 2/28/2013. Read the official rules and submit your Tumblr entry now!

1 Grand Prize:

·         Book idea considered for publication

·         $300 of Chronicle books

·         Your Tumblr featured on Tumblr Tuesday

·         Feedback session with a Chronicle Books editor

·         Feedback session with Rachel Fershleiser, Tumblr’s Director of Literary Outreach and co-creator of the New York Times Bestselling Six-Word Memoir Book Series

·         And more!

3 Runners-Up:

·         $100 of Chronicle books

·         Written critique from Chronicle Books editors

·         Feedback session with Rachel Fershleiser

Questions? Email contests@chroniclebooks.com

Does your blog have what it takes to be Chronicle’s “next big humor book idea?”

Tom Brady is the human I love the most.
And though I will be sad to see Ray Lewis go,
The Patriots will win, but it will be close.

New England’s offense has a lot to boast.
Even with Gronkowski and Woodhead laid low.
But Tom Brady is the human I love most.

Joe Flacco might make the Pats D look like toast.
He plays with confidence and he can throw.
The Patriots will win, but it will be close.

Villanelles and football predictions go together surprisingly well.
But why should I live in such constant terror? I take great care of myself. I have a personal trainer who has me up to 50 push-ups a month, and combined with my knee bends and situps, I can now press the 100-pound barbell over my head with only minimal tearing of my stomach wall. I never smoke and I watch what I eat, carefully avoiding any foods that give pleasure. (Basically, I adhere to the Mediterranean diet of olive oil, nuts, figs and goat cheese, and except for the occasional impulse to become a rug salesman, it works.)
If you were to guess (no cheating) the author of a new essay on hypochondria, who would you guess? Larry David? Calvin Trillin? Or someone a little more… nebbishy?

Everyone Get the Hell Out of the Kitchen Right Now Before I Kill All of You Cranberry-Orange Dressing

- 1 orange, roughly chopped
- 1 five minute lecture on how I specifically asked you to get two oranges and now all the stores are closed, thanks a lot
- 1 Tbs shit we don’t have that either!
- 1 bag fresh cranberries, washed and the soft brown ones picked out and tossed on the kitchen counter which looks like a war zone anyway
- 2 cups sugar

Put cranberries, sugar and orange pieces into the last clean saucepan, then realize all the burners on the stove are currently occupied. Step outside and have a cigarette until your hands stop shaking. Push Cousin Beth’s simmering gravy aside and hijack her burner. That’s what she gets for having her wedding two weeks before yours. Boil cranberries, sugar and orange pieces until they turn into bubbling, liquefied magma, kind of like how it feels inside your pounding skull. Pour carefully into a serving bowl, almost scalding yourself when Uncle Pete accidentally jostles your elbow. Wait patiently until the ringing in your ears subsides, along with the overwhelming urge to strangle Uncle Pete.

After dinner, start clearing the table in a huff when you realize hardly anyone even bothered to try your homemade cranberry dressing, because apparently they all prefer Aunt Judy’s store bought Cranberry Sauce a la Can.

More fun-filled Thanksgiving recipes can be found via McSweeney’s. But seriously - happy holidays!